Heir To The Balcony – All Hail Devito

Seriously get down on your knees, face the east towards Philadelphia, worship and repeat after me, “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy!” Okay you may have to lay down and try to bow so it’s shorter than him, but still the man is amazing. If I can make it to the theaters then I’ll probably be movie hopping from the first two movies with my paid ticket going to The Lorax. Side note, the blueberry muffins I just made are amazing and we will be using Devito quotes this week to honor his release.

The Lorax

Devito Quote: “Animals should be used as food, rugs, and trophies. Why do you think I’m wearing a leather suit?”

“That’s a woman?” A line from The Lorax trailer from Danny Devito is a very similar question I ask about him, “You’re people?” That said Devito is a baller. I think about him and just imagine him rapping ‘Ni**ers in Paris’ by Jay-Z just rappin “Ball so hard, mothaf***ers wanna find me, ball so hard.” As you can tell I have somewhat of a man crush on Danny. If you’ve watched Always Sunny then no explanation is needed. Everyone wants to spend one night drinking with him. I’d compare it to Bill Murray at this point. As for this movie in general it looks pretty good. Yea there’s gonna be a little tree huggerish message in there like Fern Gully, but this movie looks like it’s gonna deliver on all fronts.

4 out of 4 for Devito!

Project X

Devito Quote: “Because you are crackheads children.”

I’ll admit it. This moving looks fun. This movie looks like I need to bring my flask into the theater. This movie looks like I might come out afterwards and have AIDS. That said children, bring a rubber. You’ve been warned. There’s no better feeling in the morning than knowing you’re not pregnant. You know what this movie also has? Midgets. Flame Throwers. And lots of scantily clad questionably aged females. I’m sorry, are you better than that? No you’re not. I’m sure as hell not. If you haven’t seen the trailers than here’s the jist; a found footage film about a bunch of not-so-popular kids trying to throw the party of a lifetime. We’ve all been there right? Except maybe the strippers you called were actually lady-boys, the drinks you had ruffied, and the girl you woke up with may or may not be dead. No? Just me? Fine.

3/4, Devito would like this party.

Bel Ami

Devito Quote: “Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to … to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.”

I know you haven’t heard of this movie because really it doesn’t belong in this column…until you read the synopsis.

“A chronicle of a young man’s rise to power in Paris via his manipulation of the city’s most influential and wealthy women.”

Keys words and phrases in there include rise to power, manipulation, and wealthy women. Get out your note pads boys it’s time to find that sugar momma and take her for everything she’s got! Jeff Budd, I think we found our movie.

 

3/4, sounds like a Frank scheme to me!

This Is Not A Film

Devito Quote: “A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.” (has nothing to do with this film, just an awesome quote)

Oh. It’s not a film. Well then I guess I don’t need to review it. Thanks.