Heir To They Balcony – The Moonshine Please

I like to go into writing this column with an open mind and to try to be unaware of what is being released that week. I found myself starring blankly at the releases for tomorrow and was dumbfounded by the headline movie being released. That movie is Gone (which I’ll get to shortly), mostly because I refuse to believe the 2 hr ad for the army, Act of Valor, deserves to be a part of this. Going to be real sad when Ghost Rider can’t even top this one. Safe House, have a fun time being at the top for a third week running.

Gone

Likely Statler & Waldorf Line: S – “Kinda a ironic title.” W-”Yea why’s that?”  S-”Cause that’s where the audience is!” Dohohohohoho

Bare with me here people. When the lead role is Amanda Seyfried (In Time and Dear John I guess?) you know you’re in for a straight masterpiece. Oooh oo ooo, I forgot the award winning Red Riding Hood as well, instant classic. She’s so multi-dimensional this one. We can only hope her and Kristen Stewart grace the screen at once. I digress though, let’s get to the, ahem, plot. A year after escaping a serial killer Seyfried comes home to find her sister missing and finds she has been abducted by the same man. She has only 12 hrs to find her before she becomes an only child. Crazy huh?! Personally if I was her I’d let her defend for herself. I mean she didn’t come help you did she? She clearly wanted the attention that would come with your death. Karma’s a bitch, just stay home.

 

1 out of 4, moonshine make me blind!

Unicorn City

Likely Statler & Waldorf Quote: S – “Unicorns are like exactly what this movie should be.” W -”How’s that?”  S -”Non-existent!” Dohohohohoho

3 out of 4, I mean it's right up our alley.

I’m posting the trailer for this movie instead of the movie poster for a few reasons; 1) I’m sure most of you have never seen it and you should, 2) just to hear the quote “I’m a bard, slangin and singing is what I do” (you’re welcome Jeff). I know this movie probably won’t be that great and should be a Netflix special, but with only pasty white girls screaming through the woods and the government trying to convince you to commit suicide I would probably find my local artsy theater and see this instead.