Heir To The Balcony: My Self Respect Is On Fire

You may have noticed the absence of this column last week. You may have also noticed the release of Star Wars Episode 1 3D in theaters. Put two and two together people and there was no way I wanted to support that in way shape or form and I know you’ll respect me more for it. Safe House, a movie our own Jon Craig worked on, released as well and is doing very nicely. I’ve seen a few reviews say it’s as good as the Bourne movies and I have this to tell them, enjoy unemployment. On to the coming week, giddy-up!

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance 

Likely Statler & Waldorf Quote: W -”We should think about getting Cage a present.” S -”Yea a new agent!” Dohohohohoho

I know. I know. Not only did someone pitch a sequel to the horrific first installment of the Ghost Rider franchise, but they kept Nicolas Cage. Don’t try to figure out why cause your skull will catch on fire as well. They really should have just rebooted it. Get a younger actor or hell just any good one. Let’s not focus on age for the moment. This franchise has a lot of untapped potential, but it doesn’t look like they’re even close to understanding what it could be. That said this sequel does look somewhat better and the action looks pretty close to how Ghost Rider should be kicking ass. The other decent part will be Idris Elba (Thor, The Losers) and hopefully he can just become the new Ghost Rider. Where this movie is going to falter is that the plot is revolved around a mom and her child who may or may not become the Anti-Christ. Hopefully I’m wrong, but child actors in these types of movies tend to bring down any hope of it being a quality movie. That being said I’ll be at the 12:02 showing with James in Daly City lighting my self respect on fire.

Well there's fire, right?

This Means War

Likely Statler & Waldorf Quote: S- “I know what’s wrong with this theater.” W-”What’s that?” S -”The Seats face the screen!” Dohohohohoho

All I really wanted with this movie is that the female lead was Drew Barrymore because you know how much of a fox she is! I can’t figure out why Chris Pine or Tom Hardy agreed to this either. This is a slippery slope boys, don’t end up like Mr. Cage in the movie above who makes enough each movie to feed himself and his cobra (yes he owns a cobra). You two are in great Star Trek rebooted franchise and the ending Nolan Batman franchise…was this really necessary. Does Reese Witherspoon have a a vagina that calls like the Greek Sirens of the Odyssey? I guess this isn’t the worst Valentines Day movie a girl could drag you to (I’m looking at you Valentine’s Day the movie). Also If you’re on the fence of being gay then this will be a good test.

 

 

Just remember Barrymore isn't in it.