Heir To The Balcony

 

Eat your heart out Ebert.

“What was that? That was very strange. That was very weird. That was peculiar. It was rather amusing. It was rather funny. I was incredibly funny. I loved it! Hilarious!” These lines from my two favorite critics of all time will probably not be said much in this segment. The kings of one liners and the sultans of sarcasm critiquing all from the safety of their balcony. Of course I’m speaking of Statler and Waldorf, the muppets that hated they were muppets or at least associated with the rest of them. In honor of these two fine gentlemen I’m starting this column where I will critique the movies that come out in theaters the following day, Statler and Waldorf  style…from afar and in my own personal balcony behind a computer screen.

 

The Overall Appeal Rankings Are These In Order From High-Low

Definitely Interested

Kinda Happy About It

Can't Bare This

Naptime

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movies Releasing Jan. 20th 

Underworld Awakening

Probable S&W Line – S -”I know what’s wrong with this movie.”        W-”What?”      S – “They made it.”   Ohhhdohdohdohdohdoh

Definitely the nerdiest movie coming out this week is the 4th installment of the Underworld franchise, Awakening. In this movie Selene wakes up from a 15 yr coma to find out she has a 14 yr old vampire/lycan hybrid daughter. Do us all a favor and stay in the coma Selene. In this she must stop a bio-tech company from making an army of super lycans. Taking place after the 2nd installment (3rd was a prequel) we can come back to the present day world and see some cool new gadgets that Selene will no doubt be wielding. The question here is simple…why? You have your trilogy and made a little bit of money each movie, really just enough to put you over costs. I haven’t heard any fanboys screaming for an aging Kate Beckinsale either (although still very hot). Which brings us to the last theory which may be the studios think that ‘glamour’ vampires are on the way out and BA vamps are on the rise again. All of which I’m in favor for. Get those pasty, glittering, one look actors out of the media.

Red Tails

 Probably S&W Line-   S- “Who are the Red Tails?”      W- “The question is, who cares?”   Ohhhdohdohdohdohdoh

From George Lucas, yes George ‘ruin your childhood’ Lucas, comes the story of the  Tuskegee training program which featured an all African-American squad of fighter pilots during WWII. I think the most interesting story to come out of this movie though is from George Lucas’ interview on the daily show. In that interview he said that no Hollywood studio would take on this movie because they didn’t know how they could market and make money on an action/drama film with an all black cast. If that’s true, which I have no reason not to believe, then it’s truly a messed up industry (preaching to the choir here). Lucas also went on to state that he made this for the teenage population to show them they can do and be whatever they want to be. Apparently Lucas doesn’t know who resides in the Oval Office presently. Probably would have done better 10 yrs ago and that’s just the truth people. Nowadays unless your name is Tyler Perry, then good luck breaking into the market.

Haywire

Likely S&W  Line – W- “I plan to enjoy tonight.”    S- “You plan to like this movie.”    W- “No I plan to catch up on some sleep!”  Ohhhdohdohdohdoh

A female double agent learns that she has been double-crossed by her agency and plans to stike…blah blah blah blah and shut the hell up. I’m sorry, but is your name Jason Bourne? Oh it’s not and I’m supposed to believe you’re a female killing machine. I’m sorry sweetheart, but unless you’re planning revenge on popular girls in high school because they turned on you then I’m not interested. Biggest WTF about this movie is the supporting cast; Michael Fassbender, Bill Paxton, Antonio Banderas, Ewan McGregor, Michael Douglas, and Channing Tatum…okay Channing Tatum fits the bill. What are these guys thinking?! The only possible reason I see for these actors to be in this film is that Hollywood has a wager on who can nail Gina Carano first. My bet’s on Michael Douglas if he plays his Uncle Wayne character from Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past.

 

16 – Love

Likely S&W Quote –  W- “I need to get my hearing aids fixed.”   S-”You can’t hear?”    W – “No they won’t turn off!” Ohhhdohdohdohdohdoh

Yes that’s the title of this movie. The score of 16 to the score of 0, how darling. I couldn’t make up this plot synopsis if I tried:

’16-Love tells the story of 16-year old tennis Ace, Ally Mash (Lindsey Shaw}), who lives and breathes the game until a twisted ankle lands her with hot rookie, Farrell Gambles (Chandler Massey). She makes him a champion, and he shows her what true “Love” is.’

First of all she’s 16, they make it sound like she’s never been able to love and is hopeless. Secondly how does a twisted ankle drop you down to the bottom of the barrel. What are you out like one week tops?! Unless there’s a lot of purposeful hits to the crotch with a tennis ball, multiple innuendos with her last name (“Hey you gonna smash Mash tonight?”) or Smash Bros references, and they play ‘Twisted’ by Keith Sweat when she hurts herself and looks up to see the ‘hot rookie’, then this movie just isn’t for me and                                                      shouldn’t be for you.