Adam’s Netflix Roulette — Titanic 2

A beautiful recreation of the ship that killed 1,500 people

I know what you’re thinking…who the hell would make a sequel to Titanic!?

The answer I’m going to give would apply to any question beginning with “who the hell would make…”:
The Asylum

For those not familiar, this studio makes their money from tricking people who are looking for other movies with similar titles. They are also a proverbial sausage-factory of shit, turning out more movies per year than lines of coke snorted by Charlie Sheen. You might ask, how could someone get tricked if the movie has a different title? Well, it’s the people who will browse through Blockbuster Video (if you are reading this in 3 years, they were brick-and-mortar stores that rented movies for exorbitant prices) and take something home that they’ve either never heard of or have maybe heard of the title somewhere. Basically, they do what I’m doing for this column but they actually hope to like the film. If you still don’t believe me, check out these titles:

The Da Vinci Treasure (The Da Vinci Code)
Snakes on a Train (Snakes on a Plane)
Battle of Los Angeles (Battle: Los Angeles)
Paranormal Entity (Paranormal Activity)
Transmorphers (Transformers)
I Am Omega (I am Legend)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! (Damn, I really needed to use that joke later on.)
Great! Now that we know what we’re dealing with here, let’s move on to Titanic 2.

The inside of the Titanic 2 and definitely not a subpar hotel conference room booked by the studio to film this scene

I realize it’s way too painful to go through every piece of this move like I did for Bratz, so I’m just going to mention a few of the key parts of the film. Actually, lets begin by comparing the pluses and minuses again James Cameron’s Titanic:

+Titanic 2 has a running time half as long as Titanic
+Titanic 2 doesn’t have Leonardo DiCaprio in it (easy everyone, I’m a Leo fan but I think he was miscast)
-Titanic’s special effects budget—$200M. Titanic 2′s special effects budget—$64.99 (estimated)
-Everything else about Titanic 2

Now for the story. Some rich dude creates a replica of the Titanic (with better technology and enough life rafts, in theory) for reasons not explained. Some glaciers break off in the Atlantic and cause a giant title wave which pushes ice into the ship, ripping through it and destroying half of the life rafts. The boat sinks. What irony! There are some characters but I’ll just talk about them during the different scenes and spare you the torment I had to go through learning about their boring back-stories.

"Looks like history is repeating itself." Ya think, Captain? note: that was an actual line from the film


The introduction of the Titanic 2

Not gonna lie, I really REALLY want someone to make a replica of the Titanic. I’d absolutely ride it. Yeah I don’t have much commentary on this scene, but I wanted to share a part of myself.

Take a look at this for 3 seconds and tell me whether you think this guy dies

The introduction of Hayden
Hayden is the douche-bag millionaire that paid for the creation of the ship. The filmmakers wanted to make sure you knew he was a piece of shit so he has greasy hair and is constantly surrounded by four women. They aren’t the best looking gals but I’ll give them a pass since they’re probably just the production crew’s friends or something. This guy becomes the hero and main character later on but he dies and I’m definitely okay with that.

Amy bandages Kelly using a credit card
All of the background you need to appreciate this scene is that Amy and Kelly are both nurses on the Titanic 2. When the boat starts sinking, a giant cabinet falls on Kelly. Keep in mind that they are in the infirmary when this happens, which means that there should be plenty of medical supplies around. Instead of going for the medical supplies, Amy asked Hayden to take out his wallet and grab a credit card. At this point, I’m thinking “okay, she’s a nurse so she must know some pretty neat stuff you can do with a credit card in an emergency.” Then she asks for Hayden to look for tape, which he finds in a cupboard because THERE ARE MEDICAL SUPPLIES IN THE ROOM. Amy tapes the credit card to Kelly’s neck to stop the blood flow.

Using a credit card to cover a wound when there is actual medical equipment in the room? Priceless.

…!

Wait, that’s what you learned in nursing school!? Tape a credit card over a horrific neck wound with TWO pieces of tape? I’ve used more tape to fasten an envelope than Amy uses to stop blood from gushing out of a major artery. Just so you know, Kelly later gets crushed to death by a door so we have no way of knowing whether the MasterCard bandage was effective long-term.

The open wire conundrum
There’s a scene in the film where Hayden and Amy are trying to get to a certain part of the ship, but a live wire sitting in water blocks their path. It’s sitting in a small puddle of water, and they both have shoes on (which I assume have rubber soles). Nope, there’s NO WAY to get around this thing! The only idea they have is to hang from a pipe over the puddle and climb across. Even Hayden is unsure if that’s safe enough, and asks Amy if you can get electrocuted just by being above an open

A wire touching water?! Might as well give up now.

wire. Look, I’m not saying they shouldn’t be cautious, but this is seriously one of the longer scenes in the film with basically no payoff. Of all of the obstacles that one could face while a giant boat is sinking, I’d think they could come up with something better than the ‘wire-touching-water’ trick that’s been used in about four dozen NES platformer games.

The end of the film
Hayden gives Amy a wetsuit and oxygen tank so she’ll be saved when the coast guard arrives. When she asks what he’s going to do, Hayden’s states that maybe he’ll be revived once they’re found. I admire his honestly, it takes a real man to admit that he’s going to drown and that there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do about it. When they eventually do get rescued by the coast guard, Amy tries to revive Hayden. I learned something very important from this scene…even if you angrily yell at someone you’re reviving to “BREATH!!!” it only works 95% of the time. Amy tries everything to bring Hayden back to life, even yelling “you promised.” First of all, he didn’t promise anything, I went back and watched the scene. In fairness it’s possible that she’s talking about something else I could have missed earlier since I typically am drooling listening to my brain cells die during these films. Even if that’s the case, does a promise matter once someone has both drowned and died of hypothermia? I guess you could make an argument that it does, but that’s a getting a bit too philosophical for what I’m discussing here.

"BREATH YOU SON OF A BITCH!"..."hmm, maybe I'm not yelling at him loud enough?"

Oh yeah, sorry, he doesn’t come back to life. The end. (Literally, the credits start rolling).

  • http://bestdamnnerdshow.com Jonathan Craig

    I’ll admit, I was apprehensive going into this review. I believed the Bratz review to be your masterpiece, your magnum opus. But this review. This review! This was pretty funny.

    There are two things that made me laugh so hard I nearly spat Sierra Mist onto my keyboard:

    “I Am Omega (I am Legend)”

    “I’ve used more tape to fasten an envelope than Amy uses to stop blood from gushing out of a major artery.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Davis/500741168 Chris Davis

    HE didn’t promise anything. I know you went back and checked to, don’t even need to question that.