Adam’s Netflix Roulette — Bratz: Babyz The Movie

*Deep Sigh*

How in any way is this an appropriate way to dress your kids when you take them out?

I figured I’d start off Netflix Roulette with a bang…so here you have it: Bratz Babyz the movie.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a brand that so blatantly and unapologetically represents the absolute worst qualities of the American teenager. Because spoiled teenagers weren’t enough, they decided to create a spinoff with 3-year olds who wear eyeliner and lipstick.

The movie begins with two twin toddler sisters bitching at each other while getting ready to get dropped off at the mall. More specifically, they’re going to be dropped off at the playpen in the mall so that their big sister can shop for about 8 hours for belly shirts. Let me talk a bit about belly shirts and this movie. EVERY single girl in this movie under 20 years old, including the babies—sorry, babyz—, wears them. It’s like an alternate universe where clothing can’t physically pass below your belly button. Either that or the parents pretty much force their kids to dress like streetwalkers—which is generally my theory.

Once they get to the mall the twins meet up with their friends, the Bratz girls. It’s nice to have a common interest of being abandoned by your family so they can shop at forever 21. I started to get pretty uncomfortable during this scene because

Makes me wish I had been more observant as a child. Who knows what adventures I might have gotten into!

the Bratz babies —ugh, babyz—are wearing underwear and (surprise!) belly shirts. Why don’t they have clothes on?! All of the other kids in the playpen are wearing clothes! It’s also deeply disturbing to think that a person actually had to hand draw them like that for the entire movie.

So…one of the twin’s dogs, who had jumped into the girl’s bag before she was taken to the mall, escapes the

playpen. The girls chase after him by escaping the playpen through the ball pit. Yes, it makes as much sense as it sounds. There’s a trap door at the bottom of the ball pit, which leads into a changing room at the store below. Not sure why that trap door was put in there, but clearly it’s a terrible idea.

They proceed to chase the dog down during a montage accompanied by music with kinda sounds like some Christina Aguilera/Britney Spears (before she shaved her head) crap. Actually, the music isn’t all that bad…mostly because I couldn’t understand any of the lyrics. From the lyrics I did pick up, I think the songs are about being ‘fashionable’ and ‘cool’— which I do think are the most important thing in life. That and being rich, of course.

He's supposedly just a bully, but c'mon, look at that pedosmile.

Here’s where the movie gets a bit creepy for my taste. This dude steals the puppy and holds it ransom from the girls for $50. Why $50? That’s the prize for winning the karaoke contest at the mall which is set to start later that day (I bet you can’t tell where this is going!). This guy who steals

the puppy is a seriously pedophile-looking dude. Like full-on Chris Hanson “why don’t you take a seat right there” child predator. I kind of wish they went the route of having some bully the kids’ own age steal the dog, but gotta stick with the hand you’re dealt I suppose.

The only girl in the group that can sing is scared shitless of preforming, so they try to get 50 bucks in other ways. I know what you’re thinking…you sick, sick people. No they don’t whore themselves out, but they do perform for a crowd at the mall, hoping for tips. Not sure why the people in the mall don’t ask where their parents are…instead

Unfortunately he's breakdancing, not having a seizure.

they watch for a bit and then walk away disappointed when the dance number goes to hell. C’mon, what do you expect from 3 year-olds you unappreciative bastards!

They decide that there’s no other choice but to perform in the karaoke contest, so they get ready in the most important way: by doing a makeover. I knew this scene was coming the entire movie but I really was hoping it wouldn’t be as long and drawn out as it actually was. They spy on the twins’ teenage sister for fashion inspiration, and as you

can imagine she sister looks just as much of a harlot as everyone else in this godforsaken world of Bratz. We’re gonna have some really messed up girls in about 6 years, you can take that to the bank.

Finally the girls are ready to perform and take the stage. Of course they do an amazing song and dance (I mean, we’re supposed to assume it’s amazing but really it’s terrible) and win the contest. Instead of paying the guy for the

Yep, this is who girls look up to today. God help us.

puppy, they decide to finally stand up to him. Not sure why this scares him at all—he looked about 18 and I’m pretty

sure he could demolish about 85 of these kidlets before breaking a sweat—but the moral is that you can stand up to bullies and they will stop. This actually isn’t a bad message, but then why didn’t they make the bully around their age like I suggested earlier? This is basically the equivalence of me standing up to the The Terminator, it ain’t gonna work because he can crush my skull with his hands. But luckily for the Bratz, this guy is a little bitch and literally runs out screaming for his mommy.

The movie ends with everyone dancing randomly, but we never see the babyz parents, so I assume that the kids were left in the mall forever and eventually succumbed to starvation.

Moments before being torn limb-from-limb by the toddlers.

 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Davis/500741168 Chris Davis

    Speechless…I can’t believe you watched this movie.

  • http://www.facebook.com/8minsfromsol Ryan Keith Cooke

    I think I heard that sigh!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Davis/500741168 Chris Davis

    Those children that will have serious problems in 6 yrs is my sister. Will be 15 then. Already has a little shit dog too. Just missing the belly t’s