Super Mario 3DS Land Review

A-yo! You like Mario? Did you like Super Mario Land for the old son-of-a-brick Gameboy? Let me answer those questions for you! It is likely that you like Mario to some degree and maybe hope to play his newst game on the 3DS. I said “Maybe”!

I like mario and I hate him as well. It’s weird. I know. Mario is a jerk of another kind, one that probably gets lots of T&A. Then again– maybe not. I will say that in the new game, Super Mario 3DS Land, he is S.O.O.L (Shit Out Of Luck) when it comes to keeping a weird Tanuki tree from looking like a penis when all the leaves fall off. That’s just science. That’s just cold, hard facts! That is how this game starts.

From then on you’re chasing Bowser because he stole Peach from you. Again, you’ll be following the reptile with his usual entrourage, who are now furries. Q.Q. Mario ends up playing grab ass with Koops for 8 worlds. Each world has 6 levels in it but some are Toad houses or Mystery block stages. All the levels in the game come with 3 star medals/coins to collect. Most of the time the medal can be found right along the path to the flag pole but other times you’ll do a fair bit of searching for them. Like previous games there are stages that can only be unlocked if you have enough star medals which forces you to backtrack if you desire to progress further. Not a big pain but if you suck at Mario then it’s a hassle-hoff.

Once you’ve grabbed enough star medals and slapped the tails off Tanuki-Thomps, you’ll eventually come around to bumping dicks with Bowser for that Georgian fruit, Peach. Peach has always creeped me out. I know a guy who has a “thing” for her. I don’t speak to that guy so much anymore. Wait. What? Oh yeah! Mario gets the girl and you’re shown that bald-as-Chris-Davis tree. That’s it. BAM!

Nah, I joke. After the credits it is revealed there are Special Worlds. 8 more, which brings the total world cound to 16! For the most part the worlds and stages are remixed versions of the original. In a few cases you get entirely new experiences. I should mention that on the special levels the difficulty has gone up a bit. What, you knew that already? Of course you did! Do you know the best part about getting to the special worlds? Busting Luigi’s puckered balloon knot out of jail! Once you’ve done this he becomes available to play and from then on it’s more medal collecting and “wah-ha”ing until your brain explodes from using that SUPER SPECIAL 3DS mode.

  • Chris Davis

    Boom! Got a name drop. Um that Georgian fruit of a princess is still a princess, thus meaning locking her down means a cake walk of a life. I’d be chasing her around too. Just that much more time for SWTOR and Skyrim

  • Ryan Keith Cooke

    Of course you get a name drop.