Anime Adviser: Inuyasha

Hi folks! It’s Commissar Budd here, your anime adviser. Do you hate the use of pronouns? Do you have the memory of a goldfish and need the entire story of a television series repeated to you each episode (sometimes more than once)? Do you like it when 15 year old girls are running around in the shortest of skirts but you never see their panties? Ever. No matter what. Then I think I have found the show for you. Inuyasha! Get used to hearing that name screamed at you about 50 times an episode by an assortment of annoying voices! Who is Inuyasha? He’s a half-demon running around feudal Japan in red pajamas, with a temper as short as James Kincaid’s light saber. Boosh! With him is Kagome, a teenage girl from present day Japan who wears a school uniform tailored by a pedophile (in short, any Japanese man). She is the reincarnation of a priestess who has the power to shoot glowing arrows at demons. She traveled back in time through a portal that was in a well in her backyard. What was the portal doing there? Helping the plot move along, that’s what.

These two are on a quest to collect shards of the Sacred Shikon Jewel. It is a magical jewel that has the power to boost a demon’s power one-hundred fold, let Inuyasha turn into a full-fledged demon (or human depending on whether he wants to get under Kagome’s oh-so-short skirt), empower ink to make the pictures it is used to draw come to life, or whatever the plot needs it to do on that particular episode. How many shards are there? Who cares? Keeping track is pointless because the show sure as hell doesn’t. The adventure could end next week or a hundred episodes from now.

Aiding our awkwardly flirtatious duo is an array of emotionally-crippled crusaders. Their first friend is Shippo. Shippo is an adorable fox demon boy (for the first 30 episodes I watched I was sure it was a girl) who has been taken in by Inuyasha and Kagome. He busts Inuyasha’s balls for being a half-demon and Inuyasha busts Shippo’s nose, head, and body whenever the mood strikes him. Next up is Miroku. Miroku is a demon-banishing monk with a terrible burden. He has a black hole in the palm of his hand that grows larger each day and will eventually consume him. It’s a double-edged sword since it is his greatest weapon against demons but will most likely be his demise. How does he keep it shut most of the time? With prayer beads, dumb ass. You might be wondering how Miroku behaves because of this curse. By trying to screw every woman he sees. Hey, if your right hand had a black hole in its palm you’d spend a lot more energy trying to get laid in lieu of self-gratification, too. Rounding out the trio of allies is the sultry demon-hunter Sango. Sango is the lone survivor of a village of demon-hunters who runs around with a flying, fiery, saber-tooth tiger demon. Don’t worry, Kirara (pronounced: Key-la-la, damn Japanese) is one of the good ones. When Sango isn’t crying about her brother or swatting Miroku’s hand away from her ass (when are these two crazy kids going to get together?) she is throwing a giant boomerang around. Why a giant boomerang? Because Inuyasha wields a giant sword and the team needs weapon diversity.

Now we come to the antagonists and other assorted riff-raff. Leading the way is chief antagonist numero uno, Naraku. Naraku is essentially responsible for all of the bad things in our protagonists’ lives. He planned the slaughter of Sango’s village, put the curse on Miroku’s family that causes wormhole palm, and 50 years ago tricked Inuyasha and Kikyo (the priestess Kagome is reincarnated from) into becoming enemies. In short, Naraku is an asshole. This is best illustrated by his choice in wardrobe. More bad news, Naraku wants the Shikon Jewel so he can become a full-fledged demon. Surprise! Naraku is only a half-demon too. To be more exact, Naraku is an amalgamation of about 1,000 lesser demons who possessed a dying thief’s body. Wouldn’t that make Naraku a 1,000/1,001 demon? Far be it from me to ever second guess the mathematical abilities of a Japanese person.

The other chief antagonist of the series is Inuyasha’s older half-brother, Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru is an elitist full demon who likes to pick on his little bro for being part human and running around with humans. Most importantly, he wants the sword, Tetsusaiga, their deceased father left to Inuyasha because he feels it is his birthright and he thinks the sword he was left, the Tenseiga, sucks. To sum up Sesshomaru: he’s upset that his daddy left his mommy for some human hussie and gave his little brother a better toy than he received.

The only other two characters left to talk about are Koga and Kikyo. Koga is the young leader of the wolf demon tribe. He also has the hots for Kagome which makes Inuyasha (brace yourself for surprise) angry. He was introduced as an adversary but has become a part-time ally once he decided he wanted to do it wolfy-style with our wide-eyed heroine. The only asset Koga has going for him, aside from his pretty blue eyes, are the three jewel shards he has embedded in each of his legs and right arm. The shards give him super speed and, I guess, strength.

Honestly, it turns him from a below-average demon to a slightly above mediocre demon. Kikyo, you’ll remember, is the priestess that Kagome is the reincarnation of. What you learn as you watch the show is that Kikyo and Inuyasha used to be a bit of an item 50 years ago. She was the guardian of the then whole Shikon Jewel and she was going to give it to Inuyasha so he could become fully human and they could live happily ever after. Enter Naraku. He dupes each into thinking they will betray each other and lures them to fight one another after he mortally wounds Kikyo. She dies thinking it was Inuyasha who killed her and she pins him to a tree for 50 years. That story is all fine and dandy until an old witch decides to reincarnate Kikyo during the series. Now Kikyo is walking around the same time as Kagome and nobody seems that bothered by the illogic of it. Another thing, Kikyo is not a good guy (gal?) anymore. She’s a cold bitch of an ex-girlfriend that hates Inuyasha and everyone else on the show. It’s like she’s on her period, always. Awful.

Now an example of a typical Inuyasha episode:

Inuyasha and crew are walking around in some open field somewhere.

Kagome: Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: Kagome.

Shippo: Hey, Kagome! Don’t you think Inuyasha is acting kind of weird?

Inuyasha punches Shippo on the top of the head. Then all of a sudden Sesshomaru shows up from somewhere.

Sesshomaru: Inuyasha, give me the Tetsusaiga.

Inuyasha: No way! Daddy said I could have it.

Kagome (internal monologue): Sesshomaru is Inuyasha’s older half-brother. Unlike Inuyasha, Sesshomaru is a whole demon. Their father left them each a sword but Sesshomaru wants the Tetsusaiga because Sesshomaru thinks it’s more powerful.

Inuyasha and Sesshomaru fight for a little while. Nobody really lands a serious blow. Everyone else just watches even though Inuyasha is clearly getting the worst of it. Then it becomes more of a standstill and Sesshomaru retreats but makes you think that he isn’t running away like a pussy by saying something like this:

Sesshomaru: I will allow you to live today, Inuyasha.

Kagome: Are you all right, Inuyasha?

Inuyasha: Yeah, it’s no big thing. I’ll get that bastard someday.

Miroku: Everyone be careful. I sense a demonic presence.

Sango: So do I, Miroku.

Sure you do, sweetie. Naraku shows up with the same reel of hundreds of demons in the sky flying behind him.

The whole gang: It’s Naraku!

Inuyasha: Give us those jewel shards, Naraku, or I’ll slice you in two with my Tetsusaiga.

Naraku: No way. You give me your jewel shards.

Kagome (internal monologue): The foul Naraku is also after the shards of the Sacred Shikon Jewel.

Not really a big surprise there. If Naraku were to collect them then Naraku would become unstoppable. Thanks for the synopsis. Now let’s get him.

Kagome (internal monologue, cont’d): Whoever has the entire Sacred Shikon Jewel will have their power increased a hundred fold or something else really cool.

Alright, we get it. Don’t let him get the shards.

Kagome (internal monologue, cont’d): Inuyasha and I have collected some of the shards…

Ugh! Enough!

Naraku: Hey, Inuyasha! Remember when I killed Kikyo. That was so awesome. Let me drink your tears.

Inuyasha: Bastard!

Inuyasha then starts swinging his sword blindly with no real skill or finesse. Sango throws her boomerang around and Miroku hits some demons with his staff. Then the demon avalanche gets intense and everyone jumps back.

Miroku: Everyone stand back! I’ll handle this. Wind tunnel!!!!!!!!!

Miroku removes his prayer beads and lets his black hole suck up everything. Then it seems like he is fatigued or something and falls over.

Sango: Miroku! No!

Sango runs over to check on Miroku and bends over him.

Miroku: Sango?

Sango: Yes, Miroku?

Miroku: Come closer.

Sango: Yes?

Miroku: I want you to bare my children.

Nice! Miroku gets punched in the head because you see his hand is on Sango’s ass. Double nice! Now you see Kagome in danger and unable to run away. Luckily, Koga comes whirling in and carries her to safety.

Koga: Hey, Kagome! Mutt-boy not doing a good job of taking care of you?

Kagome: Oh hey, Koga. Thanks for your help.

Inuyasha: Thanks for the help, wolf. I won’t pulverize you this time because you saved Kagome.

Koga: Kagome’s my woman, dog boy. Blah blah blah…

Kagome (internal monologue): Every time these two are together they get into such heated arguments. It’s amazing how similar they are to each other. Koga thinks he’s in love with me and I think Inuyasha has feelings for me too. *girlish giggle*

Get over yourself.

Koga sticks around until things start looking dangerous and then he runs away like a bitch but also says something snotty before he leaves. Inuyasha then fights Naraku some more and as soon as it looks like he might decisively win Kikyo shows up and distracts Inuyasha just long enough for Naraku to escape.

Inuyasha: Kikyo? You’re teamed up with Naraku now?

Kikyo: No, I just want to screw with you emotionally.

Inuyasha: You do realize that I didn’t betray you 50 years ago and that is was all Naraku’s fault and I didn’t do anything wrong?

Kikyo: Logic has no place in a scorned woman’s heart.

Kagome (internal monologue): Kikyo and Inuyasha used to be together 50 years ago. If not for Naraku’s foul scheme they would still be together. *sob* I wonder if Inuyasha still loves her…

Cue sappy ending credits music.