Weddingmania: My Dream Wedding (WWE Style)

I was recently considering how I would want my own wedding to go down and this is what I came up with:

I am of the opinion that the bride gets all the say in these events and it is quite unfair to the groom. There are two names on the marquee, thus I should have some input. My demands are simple and would ensure a memorable and kick ass nuptial. So, without further ado, “WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO WEDDINGMANIA!!!”

That would be the start of my wedding as uttered by a Vince McMahon impersonator, who will also be an ordained minister. This thing is already off to an awesome start. You may ask what wrestling and weddings have in common? Allow me to share one of my favorites:

See, there is precedent. Another complaint I have is that the groom and wedding party generally do not get proper fanfare when they walk down the aisle. This will not be so at my wedding. Say what you want about wrestling, the WWE knows how to create an awesome entrance every step of the way, and no one can walk that aisle in style and profile quite like me. But what would my entrance music be? I have often thought that my groomsmen and I would each get our own separate entrance music with full pyrotechnics, but I am willing to compromise here. So, what shall the wedding party and I roll out to? Well, are you ready? I SAID ARE YOU READY?! There really would be nothing more satisfying to me than having a whole wedding party rolling down the aisle to the D-X theme. I am pretty sure we could even hire the original band to play live at the ceremony. Naturally, I’ll treat the bride-to-be with the respect of a true WWE champion and let her come out last.

You might be asking yourself what we would be wearing for this spectacular event? Color scheme is a subject of much debate when planning weddings. Well, if we walk to D-X music, we walk in D-X colors! Classic black tuxedo with neon green ties for the groom and his boys. Neon green, low cut, short length skank dresses for the bridesmaids. Just imagine each guest getting told to suck it as we walk… epic. As for the wifey to be, I think she would look good in one of Sable’s more modest outfits:

We have walked the aisle, but what of the vows? I’d like to reassure all the readers that at this juncture, while the pastor is talking, I would be jumping and crotch chopping in his face. The vows will be incredibly boring if she has her way, but I have a couple aces up my sleeve. I had a third party convince a serious ex-boyfriend to crash the wedding. So when we get to “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” he rushes the altar. We trade right hands until I duck a clothesline and BOOM– I HIT HIM WITH SOME SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! The crowd erupts into applause as I taunt over his unconscious body. But wait, what about the wedding rings? To the astonishment of everyone in attendance the pastor asks, “Have you the belt?” In that moment my best man produces the WWE Women’s Title Belt and I put it around my bride-to-be’s waist. Then, after more boring stuff about love and sickness– and I dunno, whatever fake promises they make at these things– her maid of honor (who I hope has large fake WWE style breasts) will produce the WWE Championship Belt for me. You have to admit, that’d be pretty awesome.

At this point it’s almost time to take the plunge and the pastor begins to announce, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, CHILDREN OF ALL AGES! BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME I PROUDLY GIVE TO YOU THE NEW MISTERRRRRRRRRRRR AND MISSESSSSSSSS–” but then the lights go out… when they come back up the pastor and the wedding party are out cold and it’s… THE UNDERTAKER AT THE ALTAR STARING ME DOWN!

I yell, “Undertaker, you son of a bitch, you ruined Wrestlemania 25 for me! You will not ruin my wedding!”

He replies, “Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.”

I have had enough time to recover and go for another super kick, but he ducks and I nail my bride! I try and help her up and while I am distracted Taker hits me with a steel chair! He then picks me up and choke slams me through a flaming table! How did a table get lit on fire? I dunno, but it’s my wedding, so screw off and excuse my nerdgasm! While I am down, Taker kidnaps my bride to be, and when I come to I run out of the church in a hopeless pursuit… Until… WEDDINGMANIA 2!!!

Perfect wedding, isn’t it? Not only would we save money on a reception, I’ve also found out how to weasel my way out of the marriage entirely.