Commissar Interrogation: George Lucas

What you are about to read is an interview I conducted with famed director George Lucas back in September. To be an adult for a second, this interview is 100% satire and took place in my bathtub where all of my ideas come from. I say this because the last thing I need is Lucas and his Imperial Armada of lawyers to come marching towards me because I ruffled his feathers. It’s pretty obvious that the interview is false because it takes place in a space cantina AND Lucas couldn’t give two shits about this class project website to grant us an interview. All that being said, I don’t let old Darth Beard off easy in this interview. Not my style. If you are a Lucas fan boy: Cease reading. This article is not for you. Your readership is unwanted. Might I suggest Lost theories by my friend and colleague, Chris Davis? Don’t bother posting your criticisms either because I care as much about your opinions as Lucas does mine. Go back to drinking the Lucas Arts Kool-Aide and continue to wait to be told what to purchase next. To the rest of you: Enjoy! Coming soon(ish): My one on one exclusive with Christian Bale!

We hold our interview in some backwater cantina in the outer rim and take a table toward the rear of the establishment. After we place our drink orders we exchange pleasantries.

George: I love doing these little interviews for the fans. It helps remind people how down to Earth I am. Ha! Down to Earth! That’s funny because I made Star Wars.

Me: Yes, it’s clear to see that you are responsible for much of the humor and wit of the films, particularly the latest installments.

George: Indeed! I used some of my best material in the Jar Jar scenes. I also find it quite an honor to be interviewed by one of the members of the famed J-Team. Your exploits almost rival the triumphs of the Jedi Order.

Me: Fool! The J-Team accomplishes more on a Wednesday than the Order has in its entire history.

We remain silent until after the drinks come. I know that I need to control myself if I am to accomplish anything tonight. Another outburst like that and this could all be for naught. I compose myself and get back to work.

Me: Let’s start with an easy question… What does it feel like to shit on the dreams of millions of fans and single-handedly ruin one of the most celebrated Sci-Fi/Fantasy realms of all time?

Lucas spits out his Bantha Bladder Buster.

George: Wh-what?! I thought this was a puff piece?

Me: It is. If I had my way, you’d be hanging from your testicles right now while men dressed as Stormtroopers, not clone troopers, would be spraying you with fire hoses. And THAT’S just for having Anakin Skywalker build C-3PO.

George: But he’s a beloved character. I had to find a way to have him in the prequels.

Me: I don’t give a womprat’s ass! How do you explain the other protocol droids that look just like him in the early films? Darth Vader owns the patent for that model? And how does a ten-year-old boy program anything to be fluent in over 6,000 languages?

George: Um, the Force?

Me: By the Golden Throne, the stones on you.

George: I don’t see what the big deal is. Episodes I-III are just as good, if not better than the originals.

I quickly reach for my side arm, but luckily I regain my composure before I blow this windbag away. I decide to humor the blowhard.

Me: Alright. But what do you say to all the critics of the newer films?

George: Well, the films aren’t perfect. The fans have voiced their opinions and I think they’re on to something.

Me: Finally, some progress! What are you referring to? Chewbacca meeting Yoda on a topographically inaccurate Kashyyk, Fett clones, purple lightsabres?

George: Haden Christensen.

Now it’s my turn to spit out my drink.

Me: Hayden Christensen? He’s the only problem with the films?

George: Hm-hm. I have grown accustomed to quieting all the nay-sayers with that explanation.

Me: But he’s only in two of the movies.

George: Yea, but Phantom Menace had the Pod-races AND Darth Maul.

Me: And that makes it a good movie?

George: The pod-race was so fast. They were just like…ZOOM! And remember when Darth Maul was cut in half and he was like … Raugh!

Me: Uh…right. Well, let’s go back to Christensen. It’s true that many people thought he was miscast for the part…

George: See? Blame him if you don’t like it. Everyone should still adore me. Go threaten him with your Stormtrooper/fire hose fetish and let me go back to playing with my trains.

Me: Didn’t you cast him?

George: He probably pulled a Jedi mind trick on me.

Me: The Force does work on the weak-minded. Let me ask you this. Did he co-write the films?

George: No! They’re mine! *Snarl* All mine!

Me: Then he didn’t write the scene in Revenge of the Sith where R2D2 set the two battle droids on fire? Or for that matter, any of the dialogue between the battle droids in any of the prequels?

George: Nope! All of that juice came from my mindgrapes.

Me: I think the juice has soured over the years into vinegar. Well, I think you helped prove Christensen’s innocence. Or partial innocence seeing as the Anakin of my imagination didn’t whine as much. Let’s talk about another controversy: Jar Jar Binks.

George: Delighted! What a charming character.

Me: About as charming as a Hutt while it feeds. I remember the media campaign before the Phantom Menace telling me how amazing and fun this character was going to be.

George: That was my doing! I like to take the guesswork out of Star Wars for my fans. I want them to know who to like, who to hate, and most importantly, what merchandise to buy.

Me: Yes, I remember the cheesy novelty cups. People may have called me a skeptical 14-year-old, but meesah wasn’t convinced.

George: Well, everybody else liked him.

Me: Your inability to retain any information is astounding. Odds are you would have guessed something right by now.

George: Never tell me the odds.

Me: I have heard this rubbish about Binks before, which is a bit confusing. If he was such a successful character, why did you nearly faze him out of the other films?

George: . . .

Me: And in Attack of the Clones, Senator Amadala leaves him as her substitute on Coruscant with the expressed instructions NOT to approve an army for the Republic. However, his first chance to vote has him leading the charge to instate the clone army. Wasn’t this just a cheap ploy to side with the angry fans and justify their dislike of Jar Jar Binks?

George: No. It was uh… um, always how I planned it? You’re twisting my words and making everything seem contradictory.

Me: Wrong again, Viceroy. You’re the one who said the Empire was in the clone wars, said that Anakin Skywalker was an experienced pilot when he met Obi Wan Kenobi, and made Princess Leia describe her mother to Luke when we would later find out it was NOT their mother. Why would you hide Luke with the only family Anakin actually has?! Why the hell would you not change his last name? Why couldn’t you give us some back-story for Grand Moff Tarkin? Yoda stabbed a clone in Episode III and left his lightsaber in him and it didn’t move. What kept it from cutting the guy in half? And don’t say—

George: The Force.

Me: Aaraugh! If I had the licensing rights and the money I would have made these films myself.

George: But who’s gonna write the films, kid? You?

Me: You bet I could. I’m not such a bad writer myself. Ugh! Screw it. Let’s just end this.

I pull out my bolter pistol and aim it square at the brain that brought us Howard the Duck, the movie. The urge to pull the trigger then and there was almost too great.

Me: George Lucas, you have been found guilty of crapping on millions of fan boys and hundreds of fan girls. By the authority given to me by the Commissariat of The Best Damn Nerd Show, it is within my power to execute you on the spot.

George: No! Wait, please! Surely, I can just throw money at this ‘till it goes away.

Me: Refunds for everybody and another $100 if they saw the Star Wars Christmas Special.

George: That’s more absurd than microorganisms in your bloodstream giving you the abilities to control minds and move things with your own mind.

I shoot him in his kneecaps for reminding me of the metacolorians.

Me: Alright, I think we’re finished here.

George: No, wait! Tell them I have the money.

Me: It’s too late. You should have paid before I remembered Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. A lot of people were looking for you after that one. I’m lucky I found you first.

George: Yea, but this time I’ll give back money.

Visions of hologram-backed limited edition Magic the Gathering cards float through my head.

Me: If you give it to me. I might forget I found you.

George: I don’t have it with me. Tell The Best Damn Nerd Show…

Me: The Best Damn Nerd Show is through with you. They have no time for hacks who ruin franchises at the first sign of more merchandising rights.

George: Even a good series has a bad film sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?

Me: You can tell that to the show. They may only take Skywalker Ranch.

George: Over my dead body.

Me: That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to killing you since I saw a Nickelodeon interview where you said you were most like Luke Skywalker out of all the Star Wars characters because he is “heroic and brave.”

George: Yes, I’ll bet you have.

Something about this entire scene jogs my memory.

Me: Are you holding a gun at me under the table?

George: Yeah.

Me: Why didn’t you fire?

George: I’m waiting for you to shoot first.

Me: Oh! You forget your roots. Han originally shot first.

George: Yeah, but I don’t want to come across as ruthless…

I shoot George between the eyes and his head explodes like Alderaan. I slowly get up and toss a couple coins at the bartender apologizing for the mess.

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